“Who I am in Christ is amazing. Who Christ is in me is the real story. It is beyond amazing.” Pastor Bill Johnson
Truly realizing the quote above was the best birthday gift I recieved. The last 3 birthdays were big mile markers. Having been though a nervous breakdown, illness, and sever depression just making it to another birthday seemed an accomplishment. They remind me that I can make it one more day, the enemy cannot take my life.
This year Christ has been doing a huge work in me. This year I got it, I really got it that Jesus loves me. That I am a daughter of the King. It has made me more bold in my gifts and in my prayer life. I really thought I had the thing almost down until the middle of last week.
Suddenly from a direction I never expected, I recieve such a blow to my value and worth I went down hard.
It sent me realing. The back and forth on the issue even got off topic and out of control. I felt The Holy Spirit nudging me to let it go and just bring the issue to Him but I didn’t want to. I avoided the subject with Him because I was being selfish and prideful and in so much pain. I knew GOD would comfort me but I was also sure He would say it didn’t matter if the other person was hurtful or wrong I should be the bigger person.
Finally I could stand the self doubt and depression I was facing no more. The depression that left me not wanting to celebrate at all had been replaced with maybe its not even worth it to make it. If a friend who know my worst but also my best thinks of me as a bother and an annoying obligation what did everyone else feel.
I knew the enemy was just twisting things around. I still have little instances with depression but I has not seen this kind of darkness in a long time.
I got on my knees and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I started with “Jesus, help me. I know I should not be so upset. My friends are busy and all but I just felt like my birthday was a time I should not have to plead and beg that I am worthy of anyones time, will you forgive me and take this pain”.
Instantly I felt all the pain and darkness evaporate. Then the voice in my ear said “I am your comforter and I am also your creator. There is no need to seek forgivness for expecting those around you to to celebrate you. In My reality praise for the person you are is really honor and praise for Me for you are a work of My hand”
Tears…. buckets of them…. instantly.
As I lay on my floor The Holy Spirit continued to minister to me. I wrote in my journal that GOD gave me a promise of 3 gifts and 3 prophetic words to go with the world He was currently giving me. T 7 is perfection. To Him I am perfection and this birthday would be perfect.
Almost 3 days later I am still in the glow of the best birthday ever. The three gifts were little things but I knew them instantly. They were things I had been asking for. The words were all delivered. All three of them were on the topic of how much I am loved. That I was created not just for this time in history but also spacifically for the people around me. This year Jesus and I would be literally face to face. I would feel His breath. That my words and love to those around me, if received by them would literally change the world. Two of the words, that came from two different people who don’t know each other and had no clue what the last few days entailed gave me Genesis 12:3 and I actually believed it deep in me. It was like my spirit jumped in me when they said it.
Two of my words also had the phrase “everyone is the answer to someone elses prayer” the end of that in the one I took as encouraging continued “and if someone prays for healing, redemtion, direction, or love and I send you and they reject you they have rejected Me and missed the best I have for them, it in no way reflects you not being good enough”. The one that I took as a word of wisdom to me continued “My ways are not your ways. Jesus was perfect and He was rejected because He didn’t look and act like a King. Don’t discount the value I place on those in your life because they don’t look or act like what you thought you needed.
I continue to ponder all of the last week I realize that shame is evil. Shame makes us doubt what it is The Father has said about us. Shame is what we feel when relationships are based on if we are good enough or perform well enough. Rather than looking at ourselves and each other with the eyes of heaven we use the eyes of preference. No one means to do it, human nature just kicks in. There are just naturally people each of us likes better. For my part I just need to realize I am not the only person who is missing out when someone doesn’t find value in me.
I am thankful my Father gave this child just what I needed, but I feel if I truly worship Him as perfect and the creator of everyone I need to start being more intentional about finding the teasure He has placed in everyone I know. Not just the ones I think are cool.