I long to get to that point where I do have peace inside, more patients.
The last few years I have prayed, begged and longed for GOD to teach me how to have perfect trust in Him. To be rooted enough to have faith in what He says, not what others say when they contradict Him.
I wonder what it is in us that makes the negative voices so much louder. Depression of self is still very hard for me. I can see beautiful things about others. When GOD gives me a word I have no doubts but when those things are about me, believing it is a fight.
I feel like a mess on the inside some days. I was so proud of myself and Christ in me over the snow days. I really didn’t have any times where I felt spiritually attacked over loneliness. I was happy, resting, enjoying the hours with Him.
I was so happy to be with others yesterday and today. I was so glad to see so many of them. The hugs and smiles told me they were glad to see me too, but old patterns die hard. One person had to be cutting and mean. I almost could not even worship today because my mind was reeling. How could I be a better person? how could I be a person that people don’t look down on because I am having a tough time and need help? How can bi-polar be my fault? Even if everything is my fault how is that an excuse for Christians to judge me not worth it? But I couldn’t have an answer.
Christ met me there. I head the Holy Spirit say “how could you grow to trust My voice over the enemy’s if you never had both to choose from” Ouch, wow.
So I try. Try to listen only to the voice of Christ. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that I wish people could find some good quality about me. Christ has also been good to me by putting people in my life that are so amazing and encouraging. I definitely have more people that believe in me and love me then those who gave up on me.
I am thankful for those who stand by me. This journey is a long one. For those friends who feel that I choose to be bi-polar. that I decided to get laid-off I mostly feel sorry for you. I used to think I had everything. Then I started really following GOD and He asked for so much. The when religion, ministry and pride were taking up so much of my life I didn’t have room for Him, He brought my world crashing down. No one is out of reach.
I don’t want people to think bad things about me. No one does. The Bible is full of people who have stories like me. Crazy things happened in their lives, or they followed GOD and did crazy things. I know I hear GODs voice and I know GOD is with me. I need to keep those revelations close to my heart. GOD is on my side and He is good, every, every minute.