Tracing the steps of my life as it crosses the bridge from all about me to all about Jesus.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” ~      


Some women and I just started meeting this morning to discuss a teaching by Graham Cooke.   The teaching spoke volumes to me but today’s group took it even deeper.  I am almost haunted by the question “What would you do if fear was not an issue?    We are not talking about normal fear here.  We are talking about religion type fear.    The fear of feeling crazy.  The feeling that other people, especially Christians will look at you with that sideways “what the heck, well bless your heart look”.  The fear that GOD won’t bring the provision.  For me other things surface as well.

Fear of not having the exact right words

Fear of saying too much

Fear of others thinking my relationship with Christ is not solid enough for me to speak out

Fear of not being even cool enough.

Fear that people would not even kind of be tracking with what I am saying.

The problem with fear is sometime a fallen world reinforces it.   An example.  I don’t think I am ugly.   I am normal and I am currently overweight.   Still, I am amazing.  I have wonderful gifts from GOD.  God gives me amazing dreams, visions, and words.   I also am a daughter of The King, a real kingdom princess.   It took me years and years to finally believe with my whole spirit, heart, and soul that the word I have received several times over the years from people who don’t even know each other that the man who marries me will be so favored and honored by GOD that he will have favor and success in all his hand touches.    Having spent time in both the un-saved and saved world I can honestly say Christian guys are totally worse than secular guys when it comes to looks.   This sounds horrible but honestly I think it is because unsaved guys have had sex with hot girls and realize hot doesn’t always mean the sex is great.   Don’t get me wrong. Of course unsaved still ogle over girls dressed in next to nothing at that are hot but they also seem to have this realization the difference between things you look at and things you marry.   The flip side is I also want to be attractive to my husband.  Again don’t get me wrong, but I am talking about fear here.    Fear that I will just never look good enough caused that word of blessing to my future husband to become something I just tucked away.

Recently I had a situation where GOD had given me a dream and it shocked me.   It was a person and something I had not considered but as I prayed and the list of what that person wanted, what I wanted (mostly in the serving Christ department, but also in other things really lined up)   I sent this person a message about what I was trying to process and basically they responded kind of blunt and harsh.  I don’t think they meant to be mean or hurtful, I just think they were shocked by the idea and I fully believe so much of it had to do with attraction.   This person and I know each other and I know he thinks he has me figured out but he doesn’t.  That was part of the dream:  Stop assuming you know him.  I believe the word would be the same to him.

I spend several days after that in an internal battle where The Spirit was challenging me who I believe.  Do I believe the lie? OR  do I believe The Lord?   Am I willing to back down and say, oh well I guess I’m not really worth it or wouldn’t be a blessing in this particular persons life, or do I realize that while we are all human and all have free with he missed out, and in the past my pride of what I thought I deserved or wanted may have meant that I missed out as well.  Does it mean that both of us missed our chance and possible love and blessing.  I don’t believe it does.  I do think it means we missed an opportunity to see what GOD was doing, simply by sacrificing some time and getting to know someone.   Who knows, GOD might have not even proposed the idea as a romantic relationship.  Maybe there was just a reason we needed to know each other better.  Maybe one of us holds a gift or key to something GOD is doing in the others life.  We will never know though because he gave in to fear.  He gave into the fear of the unknown and what might come out of it because it didn’t really line up with his version of what he was looking for.   I have no hard feelings to this person.  We remain acquaintance/friends but I do feel like he missed out.

Because GOD has done this work in me and asked me to face the fear of bluntly asking if I am worth just a few hours over a few weeks to get to know better and out right being rejected and dealing with the mental battle of that I am stronger and I no longer have that fear.  I continue to wait for a guy who’s actions and not just words say that he is willing to at least explore any path GOD might take him down.  That is really the one quality that I hope for in a future husband.  Following GOD with abandon, taking risks on loving people (regardless of what kind of love) without thinking about it twice.  The kind of man who knows he can’t pray for GOD to do things in his life or bring him things without him being willing to adjust to whom/what GOD brings.

All this blabbering about a recent overcoming of fear to say I want to face my many other fears.   I know that I know GOD speaks to me.  I know that I have a very close relationship with Him.  I know He shares things with me because He picked my gifts and The Word says He desires to share His plans.  He says we are no longer slaves that have no idea what the master is doing.  I want to trust those words.  Be them for me or others.  I want to stop battling over my worthiness to speak encouragement, truth, and wholeness to people.    I have been working on this but I know I have a long way to go.

Love fill me up.  I know Jesus you are love and perfect love drives out all fear~  please make your love perfect in me.


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