Tracing the steps of my life as it crosses the bridge from all about me to all about Jesus.

My trip in a nutshell.

It seems like I just got here and already it is time to go.

My surprise trip to Seattle was great and went off without a hitch.  Emily was so excited as I jumped in the car.  Hugs, smiles, and screeches.

At my sister’s house I opened the door as my dad arrived and said “Surprise”! for a second I thought I gave him a heart attack. He turned so white and stopped breathing.  He reached out to hug me and started crying.   It was great and hard at the same time.  He told me he thought I left him and was never coming back.  I broke my heart.  I know he only said that because of his mental stuff but it pierced my heart to hear that was what was floating around in his brain.

The trip can be summed up by saying it was 2.5 days of valleys and mountain tops.   My dad is a stranger.  His emotions are everywhere and everything does revolve around him.  He insist on being present at everything and so I did not get as updated as I would like to have on where things are with him.  It is hard to talk about the difficulties my family is facing with him when he is standing right there.   I was glad to be able to offer my mom some relief of every moment with him as well as some babysitting.  The most frustrating part of my trip was my dad and my niece both wanting all my time but not wanting to be together that long or share me.   They used to love being together and hung out everyday.  Now my dad can’t deal with the bouncing of a  6 year old and Em can’t deal with my dad’s nagging.

I have decided that I hope I can come back sooner than later.   It will have to be GOD’s doing but I have asked Him to help me come visit as soon as I can.   I would like to spend a week or so next time.  Maybe that way I could find more time with each family member, talk to my dad’s dr and visit some friends in the area.  I also just want to be with my dad.

I will try to update or write more about the trip but it was and still is very emotional.  I am writing this post to give a general update and to ask that you please don’t ask me to tell you about the trip.  I know it seems odd but right now I am still processing many things and I am so thankful that my life is so full of amazing people who have prayed, asked, texted, called and all that.  There are a couple big things I have to work though and I just don’t want to share the story of my trip over and over.  I hope you understand.  I hate asking but I was laying here thinking about how everyone is going to be asking and I just dissolved into a pile of tears and my stomach tied in knots.     I’m just not ready to talk about it, mostly because now that I have been here I know how bad it is but I really don’t have any info on what that means.    Right now I think it just means that every time my phone rings and the caller ID shows my mom or my sister my heart is going to stop as I wonder  is this it?

Again thank you so much friends.  You are all so loving and caring.  I could not do it without you and I still love all your hugs and encouragement.  I just don’t want to offend anyone when I can’t/don’t really respond to the “how was your trip” and “how is your dad” questions.  I am pressing into Christ and I know with time it will be easier but right now it is very raw and I leave with some of my family sad I am leaving and some pissed off that I won’t leave Tulsa and stay here.  The guilt is huge but I am fighting it.


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