The cry of my heart and of my time with The Lord for a few years now has been I want nothing but Him. I want to see His glory on the earth. I want to be 100% reliant on Him.
I have been fighting this up and down battle of regaining my life, health and savings for the last few years. After a big illness and a mental breakdown I lost everything.
The last week has been hard on earth.
I had the encounter of my life with Christ Christmas week. It was an open vision. It is big, bigger then I can say.
He warned me though. “This word will not go opposed”. That was truth for sure. I went from fine and even thinking I had extra in every area of my life to zero in this last week.
*Most of my appointments called to say after reviewing budgets they must cut back. I have had 4 our of 7 appointments cancel in the last few days. The other 3 were groupons so no income there.
*My tire blew (thankfully friends helped me with everything from putting on the donut to getting it fixed)
*There are other car bills.
*The place I found to move last week at the end of the month fell though.
*I got sick and don’t have insurance.
*I discovered my drivers licence is expired (something I thought happened in Nov 2012) I have a trip to Seattle in 2 days.
*My dad isn’t doing well.
* I could go on.
So I am pretty sure but not 100% sure that TSA will let me on the plane via verifying my ID through their database. Not sure I will have a working car, or be able to afford insurance for the when I return. On the house hunt when I return with. broke, I mean paid for dinner with change broke not taking any money to Seattle with me, thank GOD I’m staying with family. Loneliness is eating me away. Friends are great but I just need someone I can be alone together with.
I am not saying all this to complan it is to paint the picture that I was a bit shocked even offended when today The Lord said to me. “You asked for this”
“You asked that you would be dependent on ME for everything…………..”
I wish this was the part of the blog were I could tell you that this word solved everything. That I don’t feel depressed today or that joy burst into my life.
I feel a bit comforted but the honest truth is all my problems are still there. I am more confindent that He will solve them. I am more confident that He is going to provide but I also am still sitting here in the same spot I was when I started this day. Empty, broke (physically, mentally, spiritually) challenged, impatient, fitting of the enemy as he tries to break into my thoughts every second. TOTALLY DEPENDANT ON HIM.
But GOD is right. I asked. So I trust, blindly I am trusting. I am trusting that He knows His plans and that He will share them with me as time passes.
So I decide to be thankful. I decide to worship. I decide to believe His word.
I don’t feel any of those things right now but I am choosing them. Because GOD cannot lie. He doesn’t tease and I do want this. Whatever seeing Him change the world costs I want to pay. Sometimes I just have to be reminded. Often I have to be reminded.
The first thing I am thankful for is that He Won’t Relent.