Tracing the steps of my life as it crosses the bridge from all about me to all about Jesus.

Archive for the ‘Dying Daily’ Category

Where my life is going.

This has been an interesting year for me.  If I was to break it down I would say the first part of this year was showing me the depths of what is possible and what I have been called to.  The summer was about character development and mind renewal.  Now here I am in what I am calling the season of no nets.

I knew He has said the time was now to step out and I was ready.

At least I thought I was….

I told Him I was….

Yet some key pieces were still missing.  I was going about life.  Having a flexible part-time job and accepting some contract web work on the side that has sustained me.  In my free time I would worship, be in the word, write some teachings and work on book writing.  All to be ready and to steward the words GOD has given me.

Then one day last month, I got frustrated with The Lord.

A few doors opened and while I have provision to cover my needs, I don’t have even a dime extra. I don’t have extra to travel, so I have turned down some invitations.  The house I live in sold and I need to move.  My truck that I loved lived its life and I am transportation less.  I was really upset.  I didn’t understand.  People who know me know I will follow where The Lord calls every time.  That I walk on, regardless of fear.  I thought I was the master of punching fear in the face and that my trust level in Christ was high. I thought I was solid in this area.  GOD however, had another idea.  He thought it was time for an upgrade.  So He asked me.

“Why are you keeping safety nets?”

Ouch!  Wait!  What?  Are you telling me GOD, that my life looks like I live with safety nets?  Yeah, all this extra I have just laying around.   MAD.  Let me be honest, I was mad and offended.

The #1 thing I wrestle with in my mind is:  Does my life have fruit of the crazy decisions I make, or am I just being irresponsible.  And here GOD is telling me I am not crazy enough?

But again all I heard was “Why are you keeping safety nets?”

One thing I know about this question is that GOD wasn’t looking for me to explain. He had something to show me.  He was hoping I would ask.  So I did.  “What safety nets?”

Holy Spirit started showing me at least a handful of places where fear of man and worry about finances were keeping me from fully committing to His call.  I am still working on what to lay down and how to even do it but what I do know is I have to plunge ahead.  These are the things I am doing.

*I have started a new FB page called “When God Speaks”.   I am stepping into my calling as a prophet which means I have both words to give and that my heart is to train and equip the saints.  This name seems to cover all those bases.  I would be honored if you would follow my page and engage in the conversation.

*I have created a file for invitations that I am believing The Lord to provide the up-front finances for

*I will be recording some teachings and words and putting together a strategy for posting them online.

*I have told The Lord that I want to release all my safety nets and asked Him to help me cut those loose.  Oh, how He responded.  My two web build contracts that would have been my provision for the end of the year both feel though.  I still am working my part time job but GOD is making it clear, that is not something I will be doing for long (which is emotionally sad for me because I love it and it is a passion of mine)

*I am taking my trust to a whole new level.  Christ has already been so faithful.  Every time even the littlest though of reconsideration to wait and play it safe comes in, my phone rings with a friend with a word.  I get a text message.  Someone comes up to me and says I have been on their mind more these last few weeks then normal.

*I am asking people to partner with me: In many and every way.  Please pray. Please share any words you get. Please continue to be encouraging.  And this is the hardest part to ask and an area where GOD has been clear that I don’t fully trust Him, because I think it is more responsible to work and support the ministry by myself, that ask for help to be in this ministry with 100% of my time and self to get it off the ground.  If you feel the leading from The Lord to support me and When GOD speaks on a monthly level or in a one time donation towards transportation, non-profit filing, travel, and general living, please contact me and I will give you my pay-pal info.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for believing in Christ in me and the hope of His calling.  I am blessed.


images (1)

The Return of Joy

At some point you just have to drive a stake into the ground.

So I did.

Looking in the mirror I realized I had lost my joy, I was tired or the things I was doing & not doing. I was tired of being frustrated. I was tired of sickness. I was tired of mourning death.

I was tired of being tired.

So I took steps to rediscover myself.  One of the first things I did was pick up a book.  A real book.  And read it.  AHHH!  The floods of joy were overwhelming.                   books

How could I have let life and the internet take away those times with a book.  I realized the only thing I had read in a little over a year was the Bible and even that was in survival mode, not for joy or for revelation.

This may seem like a silly thing to be the start of break through but GOD works in mysterious ways and a core value of  my life is that STORY MATTERS. So I will take it.

The picture is of all the books I am currently reading.  What are you reading?  What would you suggest I add to my pile?

Confesion of a struggle.

I long to get to that point where I do have peace inside, more patients.

The last few years I have prayed, begged and longed for GOD to teach me how to have perfect trust in Him. To be rooted enough to have faith in what He says, not what others say when they contradict Him.

I wonder what it is in us that makes the negative voices so much louder. Depression of self is still very hard for me. I can see beautiful things about others. When GOD gives me a word I have no doubts but when those things are about me, believing it is a fight.

I feel like a mess on the inside some days. I was so proud of myself and Christ in me over the snow days. I really didn’t have any times where I felt spiritually attacked over loneliness. I was happy, resting, enjoying the hours with Him.

I was so happy to be with others yesterday and today. I was so glad to see so many of them. The hugs and smiles told me they were glad to see me too, but old patterns die hard. One person had to be cutting and mean. I almost could not even worship today because my mind was reeling. How could I be a better person? how could I be a person that people don’t look down on because I am having a tough time and need help? How can bi-polar be my fault? Even if everything is my fault how is that an excuse for Christians to judge me not worth it? But I couldn’t have an answer.

Christ met me there. I head the Holy Spirit say “how could you grow to trust My voice over the enemy’s if you never had both to choose from” Ouch, wow.

So I try. Try to listen only to the voice of Christ. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that I wish people could find some good quality about me. Christ has also been good to me by putting people in my life that are so amazing and encouraging. I definitely have more people that believe in me and love me then those who gave up on me.

I am thankful for those who stand by me. This journey is a long one. For those friends who feel that I choose to be bi-polar. that I decided to get laid-off I mostly feel sorry for you. I used to think I had everything. Then I started really following GOD and He asked for so much. The when religion, ministry and pride were taking up so much of my life I didn’t have room for Him, He brought my world crashing down. No one is out of reach.

I don’t want people to think bad things about me. No one does. The Bible is full of people who have stories like me. Crazy things happened in their lives, or they followed GOD and did crazy things. I know I hear GODs voice and I know GOD is with me. I need to keep those revelations close to my heart. GOD is on my side and He is good, every, every minute.

The good rather then the bad and the ugly.

I don’t normally make new years resolutions and I am not going to start now. I am reading lists of things people hope to accomplish in the new year and I am realizing this tradition is one of those two-faced kind of deals. We pass it off as all this great stuff we are finally going to accomplish: lose weight, exercise more, save more, blah, blah, blah
but what we are really doing is saying where we are right now isn’t good enough.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for goal setting and self-improvement, and deepening our relationships with Christ. I am simply asking why is it that we do top 10 lists containing the best of everything from movies to web sites, books to beverages but when we sit down to compile a list on ourselves the list that emerges contains all the areas we fall short? So in honor of celebrating the passing year and to ring the new year in with praise I have decided to make a list of top 10 things that overcame or worked though with Christ help in the past year.

10) In faith, trusted the Lord and used my spiritual gifts more, especially in the area of sharing words, dreams, and visions I have received. A few rejected but the amount of people who were amazed by GOD’s timing and encouraged was mind-blowing. I love how The Holy Spirit reaches out to all of us.

9) I am allowed a community of people to deeply know who I am,
even my horrible parts and THEY STILL LOVE ME!

8 ) I regained direction for my life as far as a career and started school

7) lived though being homeless and jobless with an amazing amount of peace (most days a few times I freaked out) and seeing GOD provide in ways I never could have dreamt.

6) I learned by living though having nothing there are only about 5 things in life a person can’t live without and that non of those things are things.

5) I have gained a deeper level of understanding and appreciation for how backwards and different Kingdom principles are vs earthly principles. Things like giving and focusing on others when I was the one in desperate need. Releasing things so they can really be mine, praise during the storm.

4) Revelations given by The Holy Spirit on scripture. The one that made the biggest personal difference in my life was realizing that in Genesis GOD Spoke to create things but in the scripture account of creation when the Bible says GOD was forming things He doesn’t speak. I realized when GOD is silent more is going on than I think. that is when He is forming and molding me. (love to talk about this if anyone wants to or is currently frustrated by GODs silent.

3) GOD Can’t lie. It is not even possible. If He said it than it is true. GOD loves laughter and joy but he is not a trickster.

2) Humility is not thinking I am lowly, untalented, unworthy or ungifted. It is knowing I am In Christ and that when people compliment me or thank me to not accept it is basically tell GOD I don’t believe in the talents and abilities He game me. I learned that The Holy Spirit has given me gifts that can change lives; mine and others. To not walk confidently in them is the true meaning of blaspheming The Holy Spirit.

1) I am a daughter of the King. I am a princess and not only do I need to live like it. I need to expect that My Father will provide and treat me like royal family. The world is His and when I ask to take part in seeing it fall deeper in love with Him, the answer is always Yes and Amen.

So GOD is good, all the time and all the time GOD is good. That is the summary of what I learned this year and hope to gain an even deeper understanding of in 2011.

I would love to know what were the big things you learned this year?

My Narinia Experience

The Voyage of The Dawn Treader" opens in theaters. This was my favorite book and so in prep for the film I decided to re-read the book. I tend to visit the books from time to time but when Caspian came out I had not refreshed the story in my mind. I did like the film but I kept finding myself questioning where some stuff was, and if some of the things that happened in that movie really happened in the "Caspian" book or a different one of the series.

This time my favorite passage was the part where Eustance was telling Edmond about being changed from the dragon back into a boy.

I am sure at this point everyone reading is saying "Oh me too, I love that part." It is amazing! Love the example of the transforming power of Christ." But this time in affected me so deeply I can hardly explain. Almost a week ago I read this part of the book before bed and was reduced to tears. Falling before GOD I just had to repent and repent. This is what The Holy Spirit has been doing to me. Taking the deeper layers off. And while Christ has been with me, right there guiding me in my scratching and sharing time with me as each layer is removed it was only until last month when I let HIM remove the last layer in my current spiritual experience that I became who I truly am. This time the book seemed more real in the deep details. The details I could relate to were things like Eustance not knowing if the Lion actually spoke but hearing it never the less. How guided by The Spirit, intuitively Eustance knew what needed to be done. But mostly I loved that Aslan didn't just finish taking Eustance old skin off and direct him into the water for his final comforting cleansing, Aslan held him, carried him and placed him there. That even after the "work" of Christ was done, He still remained.

I have long finished reading the book (sorry Gayla, I promise to return it someday….. ) I have read that passage everyday and the tears of joy and thankfulness just won't stop.

In the last 3-4 years around this time I have found myself longing and hoping that the trials and hard lessons were over for a bit and the new year ahead would be one of ease but that never seemed to play out. Things have gotten better in some ways and worse in others but the constant has been Christ. This year though I got my true, deep, Eustance experience. I am finally who I am, in Christ and for the first time ever I not only can say it, I want to shout it from the rooftops. I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE KING! IN CHRIST I HAVE FACED THE GATES OF HELL AND I AM STILL STANDING!

Of course growth and transformation are never over in GOD's kingdom but this year I can finally say "I've come a long way baby!"

I am sure many things will be changed about the movie but I hope not this scene. I also hope that I am not out of tissues by the middle. 🙂

GOD is good….ALL THE TIME…even when you're a dragon….even when you're scratching off the scales and look at your worst…..even after the Holy bath when your beautiful.

Whole Thing

Whole thing will still come down without you
It’s nothing to do with all of you
But my own thing is only to protect you

Those are the lyrics to part of a song called “Whole Thing”

This song to me is comforting in the music but such a solid reminder to me that the world is The Lords
That I am invited to be a part of what He does in the world but that it is not my participation that keeps it all together. It is His. That seeking Him and being with Him is all that matters.

Eyes to see the good, no matter how small.

The definition of Christian is following in the footsteps of Christ and trying to be more like Him. One of the things that is obvious about Christ and that you will hear all believers agree on is that He was love. He also saw the best in people, and every situation.

Take the feeding of the 5000. Jesus could have taken a defeatist view like the disciples. When a little boy was brave enough to offer his lunch. But he didn’t the Bible says he broke the bread and GAVE THANKS. He thanked GOD for what they had and it was that act that increased the provision.

In our world today it is always the negative. One example of this is the tragedy of 9/11. It is sad and tragic that 3000 people lost their lives but what is absolutely amazing and should draw us to our knees in thanks and provision is that on a typical workday up to 50.000 people had offices or did business in those buildings. That mean 47,000 people that could have died were spared. Was I the only one who saw the stories on the net or in the news? NPR ran dozens of them. Stories like “I stopped for coffee and never do”. “I just decided to take a walk”, “my kid was sick that day”. “I escaped”. This story is not a story of defeat. The defeat was in our response. We could had said, you tried to kill 50,000 people and you failed. We thank GOD for our protection and provision. 47 THOUSAND more people should have died that day and for whatever reason in whatever way they were protected. That is a Miracle!!!!!

What could Christ have done with that small bit of praise and thanks? Could He have protected us? Could He have saved us from loosing close to 5,000 men and woman from our armed forces? Could a choice to look to Christ and the good rather than to military force spared so many civilians that died in Iraq? We attacked and in the end we have political craziness’. We lost the lives of more then were originally lost at the WTC. For what; so we could show them? So that the news and politicians could argue and fight and demonize each other about what is the next move? Disagree politically; but is calling someone Hitler, Satan, antichrist, Nazi, terrorist, or even Muslim in a negative context an attribute of Christ? Is that the fruit of The Spirit?

As we call ourselves a “Christian nation” people around the world would associate that with killing, occupation, force, might, revenge. Are any of those descriptors Christ? Now the war is over our troops are home and coming home but the most disturbing to me is that the news is not focusing on our troops. We should be thanking them, welcoming them home. Lavishing them with praise and parades. Instead every news channel is bashing the government left and right. Bashing the right for going to war in the first place, bashing the left for leaving. Instead of focusing on what our troops did accomplish and how hard they worked we are still focused politically on what happened and what we think will happen and it is all negative.

This is not at all a political statement. This is just my view and one example of how everyday Christ is teaching me and convicting me to speak life into people and to discern the good. That even if the good is as small as a mustard seed if we focus on that, rather then the bad He can swoop though this world in ways we have never imagined. But as long as our focus as Christians is demanding revenge and insisting that Christ comes though government we will never see His glory. GOD simply does not work that way. If you need proof read any of the gospels. Israel was so convinced that The Savior would come as king and sit on a throne and instead he came as no one in a manger born a disgrace.

Try to see even the tiny bit of good in the people and the stories around you. Even in the tragic stories find on shred of good. Then pray on it, focus on it. Speak life. Speak life and GODS will. Take time to remember that even a terrorist was created by GOD. That the verse we pour over each other and our kids “I know the plans I have for you…..” Applies to them as well. Be that boy with a small lunch and see if your tiny bit of love can feed thousands.

This is one issue I have decided to see the good: Want to build a mosque. Not my favorite idea but fine. If you want to pray near a spot where GOD saved 47,000 people so be it. Let our love in Christ be so strong that no matter where those who are yet to know Him worship we stand confident He will find them. He will save them and use our example of love as a message of what true worship and salvation is. At the same time save us from terrorist, governments, financial ruin, natural disasters, the enemy, whatever. I speak life and salvation over them. I pray that somewhere in that group is a Paul of Tarsus a great apostle that will join in bringing revival to this nation.

Ronald Regan was not a good president because he was conservative or because he proclaimed he was a Christian. He was a good man because his values lined up with the Bible more then with politics. The Berlin wall and the fall of communism didn’t happen through force, it happened because our president was for peace and he knew that behind those walls were good but damaged people that needed grace, light and a savior. He was successful because in a time when fear of nuclear weapons and fingers on the button ruled the thoughts of most Americans he chose a different way. He spoke and sought life in some scary and dark places in the world. I will never forget reading an article on his time in office where Regan was quoted in saying “The time I spent on my knees asking for peace is what won. None of my strength or power mattered. (It has been years so the quote might be a bit off but you get the idea) He didn’t pray for the US, victory, to be right, for power or revenge. He prayed peace.

It is time we stopped pointing fingers. It is time we stopped letting the enemy fill our vision with fear and thinking the worst of people. It is time we took our eyes off all that is evil and focused on Christ. Its time we started praying hope, faith, and love over people and our world.

There is a war no doubt but the one we are fighting is not the one that matters.

%d bloggers like this: