Tracing the steps of my life as it crosses the bridge from all about me to all about Jesus.

Archive for the ‘GOD’ Category

The Return of Joy

At some point you just have to drive a stake into the ground.

So I did.

Looking in the mirror I realized I had lost my joy, I was tired or the things I was doing & not doing. I was tired of being frustrated. I was tired of sickness. I was tired of mourning death.

I was tired of being tired.

So I took steps to rediscover myself.  One of the first things I did was pick up a book.  A real book.  And read it.  AHHH!  The floods of joy were overwhelming.                   books

How could I have let life and the internet take away those times with a book.  I realized the only thing I had read in a little over a year was the Bible and even that was in survival mode, not for joy or for revelation.

This may seem like a silly thing to be the start of break through but GOD works in mysterious ways and a core value of  my life is that STORY MATTERS. So I will take it.

The picture is of all the books I am currently reading.  What are you reading?  What would you suggest I add to my pile?

The Paradox of living in the right now and the future.


Something big is coming.

Never before have I been in a place like this. I have learned to live expectantly. I enjoy change.

But this is different.

The expectation of what is to come is higher than ever.

Yet hunger and satisfaction are co-existing in my like never before.

Sometimes I feel expectation yet take no responsibility for partnering with it.

Other times  I dive in with all abandon to what I see on the horizon and miss what is happening now.

Not this time. This time I have struck the match. I long for the fire of the manifested presence of GOD to invade our world, yet I am so enamored and in love with even the little sparks of His love and presence as the kindling starts to burn.

What a sweet paradox it is to enjoy the gifts of today and dream with GOD about the future.

In Him, we never have to miss a thing if we  just abide.

Confesion of a struggle.

I long to get to that point where I do have peace inside, more patients.

The last few years I have prayed, begged and longed for GOD to teach me how to have perfect trust in Him. To be rooted enough to have faith in what He says, not what others say when they contradict Him.

I wonder what it is in us that makes the negative voices so much louder. Depression of self is still very hard for me. I can see beautiful things about others. When GOD gives me a word I have no doubts but when those things are about me, believing it is a fight.

I feel like a mess on the inside some days. I was so proud of myself and Christ in me over the snow days. I really didn’t have any times where I felt spiritually attacked over loneliness. I was happy, resting, enjoying the hours with Him.

I was so happy to be with others yesterday and today. I was so glad to see so many of them. The hugs and smiles told me they were glad to see me too, but old patterns die hard. One person had to be cutting and mean. I almost could not even worship today because my mind was reeling. How could I be a better person? how could I be a person that people don’t look down on because I am having a tough time and need help? How can bi-polar be my fault? Even if everything is my fault how is that an excuse for Christians to judge me not worth it? But I couldn’t have an answer.

Christ met me there. I head the Holy Spirit say “how could you grow to trust My voice over the enemy’s if you never had both to choose from” Ouch, wow.

So I try. Try to listen only to the voice of Christ. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that I wish people could find some good quality about me. Christ has also been good to me by putting people in my life that are so amazing and encouraging. I definitely have more people that believe in me and love me then those who gave up on me.

I am thankful for those who stand by me. This journey is a long one. For those friends who feel that I choose to be bi-polar. that I decided to get laid-off I mostly feel sorry for you. I used to think I had everything. Then I started really following GOD and He asked for so much. The when religion, ministry and pride were taking up so much of my life I didn’t have room for Him, He brought my world crashing down. No one is out of reach.

I don’t want people to think bad things about me. No one does. The Bible is full of people who have stories like me. Crazy things happened in their lives, or they followed GOD and did crazy things. I know I hear GODs voice and I know GOD is with me. I need to keep those revelations close to my heart. GOD is on my side and He is good, every, every minute.

The good rather then the bad and the ugly.

I don’t normally make new years resolutions and I am not going to start now. I am reading lists of things people hope to accomplish in the new year and I am realizing this tradition is one of those two-faced kind of deals. We pass it off as all this great stuff we are finally going to accomplish: lose weight, exercise more, save more, blah, blah, blah
but what we are really doing is saying where we are right now isn’t good enough.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for goal setting and self-improvement, and deepening our relationships with Christ. I am simply asking why is it that we do top 10 lists containing the best of everything from movies to web sites, books to beverages but when we sit down to compile a list on ourselves the list that emerges contains all the areas we fall short? So in honor of celebrating the passing year and to ring the new year in with praise I have decided to make a list of top 10 things that overcame or worked though with Christ help in the past year.

10) In faith, trusted the Lord and used my spiritual gifts more, especially in the area of sharing words, dreams, and visions I have received. A few rejected but the amount of people who were amazed by GOD’s timing and encouraged was mind-blowing. I love how The Holy Spirit reaches out to all of us.

9) I am allowed a community of people to deeply know who I am,
even my horrible parts and THEY STILL LOVE ME!

8 ) I regained direction for my life as far as a career and started school

7) lived though being homeless and jobless with an amazing amount of peace (most days a few times I freaked out) and seeing GOD provide in ways I never could have dreamt.

6) I learned by living though having nothing there are only about 5 things in life a person can’t live without and that non of those things are things.

5) I have gained a deeper level of understanding and appreciation for how backwards and different Kingdom principles are vs earthly principles. Things like giving and focusing on others when I was the one in desperate need. Releasing things so they can really be mine, praise during the storm.

4) Revelations given by The Holy Spirit on scripture. The one that made the biggest personal difference in my life was realizing that in Genesis GOD Spoke to create things but in the scripture account of creation when the Bible says GOD was forming things He doesn’t speak. I realized when GOD is silent more is going on than I think. that is when He is forming and molding me. (love to talk about this if anyone wants to or is currently frustrated by GODs silent.

3) GOD Can’t lie. It is not even possible. If He said it than it is true. GOD loves laughter and joy but he is not a trickster.

2) Humility is not thinking I am lowly, untalented, unworthy or ungifted. It is knowing I am In Christ and that when people compliment me or thank me to not accept it is basically tell GOD I don’t believe in the talents and abilities He game me. I learned that The Holy Spirit has given me gifts that can change lives; mine and others. To not walk confidently in them is the true meaning of blaspheming The Holy Spirit.

1) I am a daughter of the King. I am a princess and not only do I need to live like it. I need to expect that My Father will provide and treat me like royal family. The world is His and when I ask to take part in seeing it fall deeper in love with Him, the answer is always Yes and Amen.

So GOD is good, all the time and all the time GOD is good. That is the summary of what I learned this year and hope to gain an even deeper understanding of in 2011.

I would love to know what were the big things you learned this year?

My Narinia Experience

The Voyage of The Dawn Treader" opens in theaters. This was my favorite book and so in prep for the film I decided to re-read the book. I tend to visit the books from time to time but when Caspian came out I had not refreshed the story in my mind. I did like the film but I kept finding myself questioning where some stuff was, and if some of the things that happened in that movie really happened in the "Caspian" book or a different one of the series.

This time my favorite passage was the part where Eustance was telling Edmond about being changed from the dragon back into a boy.

I am sure at this point everyone reading is saying "Oh me too, I love that part." It is amazing! Love the example of the transforming power of Christ." But this time in affected me so deeply I can hardly explain. Almost a week ago I read this part of the book before bed and was reduced to tears. Falling before GOD I just had to repent and repent. This is what The Holy Spirit has been doing to me. Taking the deeper layers off. And while Christ has been with me, right there guiding me in my scratching and sharing time with me as each layer is removed it was only until last month when I let HIM remove the last layer in my current spiritual experience that I became who I truly am. This time the book seemed more real in the deep details. The details I could relate to were things like Eustance not knowing if the Lion actually spoke but hearing it never the less. How guided by The Spirit, intuitively Eustance knew what needed to be done. But mostly I loved that Aslan didn't just finish taking Eustance old skin off and direct him into the water for his final comforting cleansing, Aslan held him, carried him and placed him there. That even after the "work" of Christ was done, He still remained.

I have long finished reading the book (sorry Gayla, I promise to return it someday….. ) I have read that passage everyday and the tears of joy and thankfulness just won't stop.

In the last 3-4 years around this time I have found myself longing and hoping that the trials and hard lessons were over for a bit and the new year ahead would be one of ease but that never seemed to play out. Things have gotten better in some ways and worse in others but the constant has been Christ. This year though I got my true, deep, Eustance experience. I am finally who I am, in Christ and for the first time ever I not only can say it, I want to shout it from the rooftops. I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE KING! IN CHRIST I HAVE FACED THE GATES OF HELL AND I AM STILL STANDING!

Of course growth and transformation are never over in GOD's kingdom but this year I can finally say "I've come a long way baby!"

I am sure many things will be changed about the movie but I hope not this scene. I also hope that I am not out of tissues by the middle. 🙂

GOD is good….ALL THE TIME…even when you're a dragon….even when you're scratching off the scales and look at your worst…..even after the Holy bath when your beautiful.

Glee opens the door, will we walk through it?

A month and a half ago maybe two I received this vision and word from The Lord about media and how He intends to use media to be His voice to an up and coming generation. I was so inspired and hopeful for this word and was further in awe of our GOD when I began to discover that others were also getting the same kind of words.

Over the years I have learned that GOD’s timing is usually, well totally slow by may standards. I have words from 10 years ago I am still standing on. So while excited about this word I did not in my wildest dreams think that I would see so much so quick. Part of what GOD spoke to me is that the door to discussions will be opened. The Spirit spoke that those triggering the conversation would not always be believer’s but that it was our task to not let the conversations drop. The key part of this word was “conversation” . It was more then clear to me that we were not to take this opportunity to preach in a traditional sense but that we should, like Mercedes in this episode of Glee, be that friend and extend without pressure the idea that everyone needs something to believe in. The Holy Spirit convicted me that it is our job to tell stories, share experiences, live in love but that ultimately it is not our job to save people .Christ saves people. We were commanded to go out and preach the gospel. The command was not go out and save people. I feel that until we can grasp the truth of that basic idea we will fall short in our conversations with the world.

Jesus spoke in parables. The purpose of these stories were to share a truth about The Kingdom while at the same time engaging those who heard it. What we all should be able to do and what this episode of Glee did fabulously is that it ended with a zillion questions still out there. They didn’t tell anyone what the answer was or what side of the religious battle is right. After proclaiming the truth in words, song and action the kids of Glee still left room for GOD to show up. At the end of the episode Kurt was not convinced that GOD was the truth but his heart was open. He was softened. A seed was planted.

If this episode shows us anything it is that the world really doesn’t want to avoid questions of faith. That deep down the spirits of all men and woman are crying out for their Savior. So are we ready to have those conversations? Are we ready to honestly listen to the reasons they don’t believe? I we ready to take the Sue Sylvester’s, Kurt‘s, and Finn’s of this world and their doubts seriously? Are we ready to step up to the plate and create art and media that speaks to where they are, that starts conversation, that doesn’t always end with an alter call but the planting of a seed.

Last season I was not a big fan of Glee. I felt the story like was, well really high-school pettiness. Which is fine it is a show about high school This season however, they are out of the gate and hitting hard even last weeks episode, which I did not really care for dealt with the hard issue of self-esteem. These teens, our teens they are the generation that will prophesy and they need us (the old men/woman) to have dreams to give them. So while the kids of Glee are contemplating the very existence of GOD we should be praying and seeking The Father on how through us He can without a doubt be known.

Whole Thing

Whole thing will still come down without you
It’s nothing to do with all of you
But my own thing is only to protect you

Those are the lyrics to part of a song called “Whole Thing”

This song to me is comforting in the music but such a solid reminder to me that the world is The Lords
That I am invited to be a part of what He does in the world but that it is not my participation that keeps it all together. It is His. That seeking Him and being with Him is all that matters.

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